Michelle's Life

The journal to end all journals


A post for anyone who is still listening
michelley262003
I have had this thing for over 12 years now. I often times forget youre here. Much like a good friend, they lurk on the ends of the shadows meeting you when you need it most. In your darkest hours. I often times find myself incredibly sad. I moved to Miami 6 months ago. I was hoping I could find solace in the fact that all of Portland was behind me. Like lurking misfits, disheveled hair, smelly shoes, I have learned their sent will follow you to all corners of the earth. This morning I begged my brain to be quite. But like the brain that it is, it is a lonely brain. It tires because the wheels keep turning, driving the body deeper and deeper into the soil. I want to say I have found love, but tonight I find myself with nothing but regrets. I regret coming here. I regret allowing myself to become so lonely. I regret allowing myself to change into a person I no longer enjoy being around. I have managed to fill my sadness with so much busy work that I have hardly had a moment to be myself.

12 years ago when I started my live journal, I was a child. I was 19. I was optimistic. I was excited about everything that life had to bring me. 12 years later I feel as if the spark has run dry. The energy that once lit around me now seems like someone has peed on it. Most of my dreams have been crushed, and I am lack luster about my prospects of the future. I don't know if any of this will ever be enough. I don't know if I will every be enough.

My recent days have been crazy
michelley262003
In the recent past I have been horrible about updating my little blog. I guess blogging has taken the back burner to so many things. I got married. Yes, to the love of my life. I really feel as if nothing has changed. Since the day we met, its as if we've been married. I am completely in love. I am completely devoted. I have never felt this before about anyone. Historically, I am pretty bad at romantic relationships. But now, I'm in this fantastic thing with this fantastic person. And everything makes sense. She is by my side 24-7. She is so supportive and so caring and is literally my person. I never thought I could or would ever say I have a person.. That part of my life is set. It's weird. Usually that part of my life is fucked up. But no, this time, my romantic situation is completely and utterly blissful.

I moved to Portland over two months ago. I can already say I am ready to leave. I hate it here. I think part of my discontent is based on the poor assumption that I thought Portland would be my Garden of Eden. People would love me, I would fit in perfectly, employeers would be beating down their doors wanting to hire me.... life would be grand. Instead, I have hit the perverbeal road block of life. I am having a horrible time meeting people to be friends with, I have nearly zero employment prospects, I had to resign from my job for safety issues. That job paid 11.50 an hour. 11.50 an hour to be bruised and abused and injured and insulted and degraded. I was barely making end's meat. And then a turn of unfortunate events landed me in an akward potentially career ending position. Other things I utterly dislike about Portland, its ridiculously expensive to live anywhere desireable in the city. We currently live in North Portland. We are so far North we will literally be the first people in Portland to receive a visit from Santa Clause. We're basically in Vancouver, Washington. This wouldn't be so bad, except there are zero things to do within walking distance from where we live. We are basically in a fun desert. A fun desert without ATVs or offroading. A desert full of homeless people. Oh, and did I say homeless people. I meant there are millions of them. Seriously, at times, I think there are more homeless people than non-homeless people. It somewhat absurd. Portland has this huge issue where they just allow people to camp out on the sidewalks. I understand they have no where to go, but on the sidewalks... dude come on! Let's open up a few more homeless shelters. Let's try to do something about this situation. It's unsightly, has the potential for major health concerns...think TB, Aids, any communicable disease that circulates amongst large populations of people. I just wish there was some kind of solution to that problem. I clearly do not have the answers.

Another thing I hate about Portland: the rain. It is always raining. If not raining money in one of the many fine strip club establishments found in the walls of glorious Portlandia, it is rainy and gloomy and sad. Utterly utterly sad.

Other than my hatred for Portland, other than my love for my wife, and my hatred for my current/former employment, I can honestly say I do not love Portland. Life has been hard. So very hard.

Scout is great. He loves e

again its been way too long
michelley262003
I began this thing so long ago. Nearly 10 years ago. It's hard to believe so much time has gone by. I am 29 now. I will be 30 this year. So much has changed. I have accomplished a lot, I have had a lot of set backs. I've been in grad school way too long. I am poised to receive my dissertation this spring in neuroscience. I haven't the faintest idea what I will do with it. I know that I probably made a mistake going to graduate school. At least to get a phd. I have contemplated many career paths. Most to all of which will require yet more school. my most promising prospect these days in nursing. I have always had a deep compassion to care for people. I love feeling like I am making people feel better. I am not a controlling person. I would like the opportunity to assist in the healing process.

I am in Vermont right now. As I have been for the past 6 years. I detest the winters. They are bitter cold, dark and miserable. They bring out the ut most worst in all people everywhere. The only redeeming quality about Vermont is the summers. I love the summers here. They are beautiful and fun and warm. I will be in Vermont this summer. I will do all of the swimming, hiking, lounging in the park, dog walks, bike rides. It will be amazing.

I've met the love of my life. She is the most beautiful wonderful person in the world. I have been through a lot of negative romantic relationships. Sherry, my last partner was emotionally abusive, controlling, dishonest and ultimately, unfaithful in every respect. My girlfriend before that was barely committed, nor was I. The girl before that, I could have married. I loved her dearly. She wanted nothing to do with me other than sex. I was an object to her. She treated me like a play thing she could manipulate and control. I let it happen. I know better, and if anything I am a stronger person because of it. But, the woman I am with know is pure wonderful. We've talked about marriage and kids and our lives together. She is supportive and I feel I can reciprocate appropriately.

I've sold my condo. It was wonderful living there for five years, but it is now time to move on.Im moving into Burlington this summer and I am excited about the prospect of being downtown.
I don't know where I will be living this fall.It may be Atlanta Georgia. It may be San Diego, California. Either way, I will be content because it will get me out of Burlington.

I have managed to make some variable friends and aquantinces. None of them shall be lasting. None of them will transcend the caged in, padded walls of Burlington. I wish I could say I had made lasting friends, but all of those friends have long ago left Burlington and my life. It is for the better. They are my floating opera. I am greatful for them in some respects.

Well live journal, I know we do not meet often. I guess, I am in fact your floating opera.

With love,
Michelle

omg live journal
michelley262003
haven't written in this thing in three years.. hello..is anyone out there

poem
michelley262003
Life is odd
ideals change
circumstances are placed head first upside down
we forget who we set out to be
remember
forget again
It wasn't suppose to be this way
I wanted so much more.. I think
second guess come and go
and the if I only had this or that
were a little smarter with my choices
or a little more reckless
were a bit prettier
a bit more extroverted
more willing to hold you close
a little less willing to keep you close
I want to play my strings correctly
so that it all sounds beautiful
I want to play my cards right
so I can win the game
but songs are temporary
games are meaningless
and feelings are nothing more than just that... feelings


I want to say that I love you. I have and always will. The moment I met you I knew I would love you forever.
The same can be said about you too. I love you as well.

another journal article
michelley262003
The semester is over....

As I have gotten older... possibly more mature (although that is debatable) I have come to find the conclusion of the semester rather anticlimatic. I am going on my 19th year of schooling. I am 7 years post high school. My feelings are entirely just in that all prior experience has led me to the conclusion that the ending of one semester leads into a new one- new problems, new stresses. I enjoy these stresses in that they provide structure to my rather unstructured existance- a whole in issue in and of itself. In all honesty I enjoy having no structure- in feeling as if I could do anything and be anywhere at any point. As Patrick would say "I crave moments of entropy in certain instances and situations in my life... but I also crave order... which is why I have chosen science.. It provides my life with order and structure".... or something like that, its not an exact quote. Just a random conversation Pat and I had one night riding back in my car.

But anyway, the semester is over. I feel satisfied although not estatic with my academic performance. I studied hard. I made straight B+'s Which at UVM equates to a 3.33. I need a 3.0 to maintain academic eligability. I have a 3.33 now. Good times I assume.

In other news, I am totally not making this up, but I saved someone's life today. I was at the gym and a middle aged man, slightly on the heavy side (huge gut) fell off the eliptical and had a heart attack. I had to administer CPR, mouth to mouth and use the AED. Thank you mike thomas for making me take CPR classes all four years that I worked at the fitness center. It was crazy. I never thought in my life I would be put into that situation. But there I was, me and heart attack guy. I wasn't nervous or shaky or scared or anything. It was surreal.

Anyway, with the semester over and christmas approaching I will be going back to california for 1 week. I am looking forward to going home and seeing my family and sleeping in my childhood bed. Going home, much like the semester ending is anticlimatic. I always seem to make going home out to be an epic occurance. The reality of the situation is that I 1) get bored 2) feel smoothered and contolled 3) feel imbittered by the fact that I have no friends left in san diego (possibly never did) 4) annoyed and embittered by the fact that I have nothing in common with my family, hold much different opinions and viewpoints then my family 5) have nothing to talk about with anyone- my dad speaks only of sports and softball, my brother is an interesting character but interesting more so in a non-intellectual sense that after an hour and a half is rather unsatisfying and somewhat hair raising-frustrating. To say the least I am not looking forward to going home. I actually have a gut feeling that this trip may turn out to be aweful. I'll just have to say goodbye to my hard won adulthood/ freedom.... I guess I will just have to relish in the fact that I will at least get some free food.

I may possibly go to Portland as well to hang out with Ben and Pat and Cate for New Years, but I will have to asses my financial situation to insure that this is still a possability.... But we shall see. It could be fun....


Patrick is suppose to call me any second now.... were going to go to this party at our friend Julia's house. Its suppose to start at 830.. were planning on getting there at 9pm. It's 820. I am not ready and Im gonna need to pick him up on the south end of town. Grrr I wish I could just hang out with sarah. She's so cool

Anyway, I think Im going to check out. Im extremely tired of writing.

Peace and love

Michelle

december 10, a journal entry from the frozen tundra
michelley262003
I am so so so close to being done with this semester. Two more things:
1. exam 730 am on monday
2. paper due 5pm on friday

Good news: I have started the tedious task of studying for this final exam. I feel somewhat prepared, but also somewhat unmotivated to complete the studying neccessary to feel completely prepared to accomplish this task. I am burned out. This semester has taken quite a toll on me. It hasn't helped that I go out at least three times a week and by go out I mean till 2-3 in the morning. I use to have control over the desire to be social. It helped as an undergrad. I think it was because I had very few people to be social with. Now that I have people to be social with, people who are interesting and cool, I find myself going out far more often then I should. I've managed thus far to accomplish some pretty decent grades- I think I made a B+ in stats, a B or B+ in CMB depending on the exam and then neurochem depends entirely on the paper I have not even begun to consider.

But I suspect that I will receive two B+ and a B. Making a 3.2 which is far above the required 3.0.

My next semester will be super chill. No more exams until the qualifying, which isn't for another year +.

Anyway, I should probably get back to some learning before temptation calls and I am willed back out into the wild unknown.

Peace and love

Michelle

this one's for me
michelley262003
I have failed at maintaining my promise to livejournal. I haven't posted since october. Granted, I have been busy with the whole grad schools stuff- ya know. Im liking it more all the time. I feel like Im really starting to fit in- kind of like I belong here.. Like Im not so much of an imposture.

Anyway, just a quick update. I have to get back to the whole studying my existance away. school has been going well, I made the highest grade in my CMB class on the last exam. I pretty much rocked it. My exam is now the key by the way.

The semester is coming to a close. I can't wait for it to be december 19 so that I can go home and relax for a bit. MAybe read an actual book instead of the journal of neurodevelopement, which has been my semi bible budah for the past six months. I'd like to read something interesting- maybe something historical? Who knows. After classes end on the 17th Im going to go furniture shopping, The condo is still abit dead as far as furniture, and I am still in desperate need of wall material.

Ive made some new friends. This girl Sarah, lives across the street from me. Plays the piano... and get this, the saw. She plays the saw. She likes the wizard of oz and cool music and art and photography and we can talk about science and electrophysiology and just about everything and anything. We have so much in common its somewhat scary.

Anyway, so here is what I have left to do
- One five page paper for neurochem
-One exam for cell biology
-confocal microscope pictures for 5 specimens
-measure 15 axons of 15 different specimens
-meeting with my advisor
-register for classes

-Home 12/19-12/27
-back to school 12/28
-New years (possibly new york?)
-classes resume 1/05

-TA medical school 4/11-6/30
-Dad comes to visit
-Summer !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

anyway one step at a time. There is still much to do this semester. There is still much to do tonight

peace and love ya

miche

examage
michelley262003
So I have big exam tommorrow. Im nervous. I think I know my stuff. I had study group for three hours this afternoon and Ive pretty much been studying all day. Im exhausted and do not want to study much of anymore. Ive look at powerpoint sooo many times. I think I am done. I think I can not think any more and that my brain is in pain... so Ive decided to write a little poem.

here I go again
michelley262003
So school... ya know how it goes

Im taking a ton of classes. They're going well so far. I just had exam I in cell and molecular bio. I made an 80%. Im not really all that satisfied with this. I need to make an 83% in the class to keep my gpa at a 3.0. I currently have a 3.1 and a B- would seriously make me not so happy. My other classes stats and neurochemistry and going well. I'll probably make an A in stats and if all goes as planned an A- or B+ in neurochem. I don't really care all that much, I just have to make As and Bs and keep my 3.0.

Lab is going well. Ive been doing some work, not a whole lot. Classes get in the way quite a bit these days, but I am running a bit of a hefty experiment tommorrow, Im using this new drug to block TrkB receptors in Embryonic DRGs. Ive been learning how to use a confocal microscope which is super duper cool. 3D is so much better than just a plain old floroscope.

Other than school social life is going well. I have a small group of friends now (outside of my immediate school circle) which is wonderful. They are all scientists, so its not like we have conversations completely devoid of science, but it is nice to step outside my immediate professional circle and interact with the Burlington world.

The condo is nice. I still need wall decor. The walls (after me living here 2 months) are still devoid of any substance. It saddens me a bit to see the depressing white walls, but at the same time its more or less cleansing. Almost as if possability is just peeping around the corner.

Anyway, I gotta get back to studying, IT was nice chatting with nobody. Nobody uses LJ any more. I must admit its a bit 2004. But you know what, I enjoy it. It's cathartic to blog because its like you are publishing in stone, yet at the same time, no one reads it. Unless of course I become a world famous acrobat, then 40 years from now everyone will look back to the blogged world of michelle. Whatever,

peace and love guys
go see the facebook movie

michelle

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